Fair is Foul, Foul is Fair
"Fair is Foul, Foul is Fair" is the 20th episode of Once Upon a Virus. Summary Joe, Josh and Dlrgirl have been captured by a group of sky pirates calling themselves the Banned Men, who are sure to put our trio through a very traumatic experience indeed... are they willing to risk their third wish in order to escape? Meanwhile, in Storywik, Rena, Justine and Liz begin searching for the missing Modem, with very disappointing results. And in the far, far past, we see how Rachel, a budding and powerful young witch, became trapped in Wikia along with the rest of her coven, and how she became the not-so-powerful genie known as Dlrgirl75. Plot England, 1623 Rachel, Dlrgirl75 of the past, can be seen sporting the clothes that would normally be seen adorning Blood Wiccans as she runs through the streets away from an angry mob wielding pitchforks and torches. She turns a corner and, suddenly, she is pulled into an alleyway by a woman in similar clothing. When she shot settles, we see that it's Silvia, who speaks with an English accent and asks through a whisper if Rachel is insane. The rest of the coven is hiding in the alley, and amidst them one can spot James 1234. Quickly they work together to cast a spell of invisibility, which makes it so that the mob notices nothing as they simply pass the alleyway and continue through the streets. As the coven walks back through the woods to their hideout, Silvia asks Rachel why she would leave base in her witches' clothing, for the villagers have learned to recognize it now and weren't exactly enthusiastic about all the exposed skin to begin with. "I'm sorry," says Rachel, speaking with an American accent, and it isn't long until they arrive back at the series of huts in the woods that the witches and warlocks of the coven have resorted to living in. "Well," says Rachel, "I'm gonna head into my hut and.. catch my breath. Silvia, can you come with me?" "Of course," Silvia says, giving a coy smile. The two women enter the hut, making sure that something is covering the entrance, and head into the other "room" of sorts, where a bed is made. They kiss passionately. "I was so worried about you!" Silvia exclaims through whisper. "It's alright, my love, I'm safe," Rachel assures her, kissing her again. The two women fall romantically onto the bed. In the present, Dlrgirl75 can be seen writhing on the floor of the flying pirate ship that she, Joe and Josh have found themselves stranded upon, as the net is lifted from atop them. Josh immediately tries to use magic against Captain Nosh and the others, but this only leads Nosh to laugh, encouraging the other men to as well. "Ain' no magic that works aboard the Banned Men's vessel, old man!" At this, Joe grabs his bow and nocks an arrow, only to have it snatched away by one of the Banned Men, and Nosh comments that that'll look pretty in their weaponry. "Dlr," Joe warns, "Get back in your lamp." She nods, and attempts turning to yellow smoke… but she can't – that doesn't work either aboard the Banned Men's vessel, and they're again sent into fits of laughter. Her golden lamp is snatched away from Joe's belt by the same Banned Man now possessing his bow and quiver of arrows. "Take them to the hold and tie 'em up, lads!" Captain Nosh exclaims, and Banned Men seize the three of them. The one which seizes Dlrgirl gives a sniff of her hair and comments that this one is a pretty one. "Not yet, me 'eartie," says Nosh with a creepy smile, "Tha's for la'er." The trio is carried into a separate part of the large flying boat. Back in time, Silvia and Rachel are lying in bed with one another following sex, each swathed by sheets, just talking. "So, did you see that new play, MacBeth?" Rachel is heard asking, and Silvia shakes her head, leading Rachel to rant about the way it completely misconceives witches. "Why is it you speak in that funny way?" Silvia asks out of curiosity, referring to Rachel's American accent. "One day," Rachel explains, "The most powerful people in the world will talk like this. And when that day comes I wanna be one step ahead of everyone else." Silvia smiles, commenting, "You're visions of the future really are impeccable. I don't think any seer whose ever lived was as powerful as you." "Oh, visions are no more powerful than… wait, what division of magic is it that you study?" "Er… none in particular," Silvia decides on answering, and Rachel asks what she means, at which Silvia explains, "I have my own vision of the future. Well, more a hope. But, as witches evolve, I see us being able to break the barriers of magic and perform all the spells that we want without having to rely on the combined strength of the coven to back them up. I want to be the start of a new age." "You really are the perfect woman," Rachel comments, and Silvia smiles, kissing her. Rachel then asks her lover is she's not scared that the others might find out about them, for they could be expelled from the coven and maybe even handed over to the mob for burning and they'll end up as faggots, but Silvia tells her not to worry – "You're my girl, and I'm not going to let anything happen to you." Forward through time, Silvia and Joanna are lying in bed together after sex also, swathed by sheets, just talking. "So your original name," Joanna is saying, "It's MissMayfair, right?" Silvia confirms this, and Joanna asks if she could perhaps call her "Missy". Silvia giggles, and wonders why, at which Joanna – repeating the name with much emphasis on it – reveals that she thinks it sounds… "Dominatrix-y?" Silvia finishes for her. "A little," Joanna says with a smile, and the two women kiss. "Oh, Missy," Joanna says with a smile, and Silvia laughs. "So, you;re dabbling in witchcraft," Joanna recalls, but Silvia assures her that it was just a couple of spells and nothing major, adding that she's nowhere near as powerful as her girlfriend. "You know," Joanna begins, "One of the ancestral witches was named Silvia." "Really?" Silvia asks, "Weird that the Virus would hand me that name." "Indeed," Joanna continues, "The history books say that she was, in magical terms, a Leech." "What's that?" Silvia wonders, of course knowing the answer. "Oh, it's a kind of witch who can harvest another person's magic for themselves. They all do it through different systems, like, eating their victims' brains or… bloodletting them all over themselves, or…" "Sex?" Silvia asks, and Joanna says, "Exactly. Isn't that interesting?" "Totally," Silvia says, kissing her again. Peep grabs her robe from the bed knob and applies it as she stands up, however, as she does so, she suddenly feels faint and falls back down. "What's wrong?" Silvia wonders. "I don't know…" Joanna says, "I feel kind of… sick." "Aw, honey…" Silvia says, checking her temperature, "You need a day in bed. Doctor's orders." "Silvia, sweetie, I know we've played doctor, but you're not actually one." "Nevertheless, lay down, missy," Silvia tells her. "Hey, that's my name for you," Joanna points out as she slips back under the covers. Silvia kisses her forehead and offers to make her some nice, hot soup. "That would be nice," says Joanna, "You take such good care of me." Silvia says that of course she does – "You're my girl, and I'm not going to let anything happen to you." "What the hell happened to it?!" Liz is asking as she, Rena and Justine search the mausoleum, unaware of where the missing Modem is. "It couldn't have just vanished," says Justine, having now wiped her tears. "It didn't," says Liz, "The mausoleum was busted open, which means somebody stole it." "Could it have been Sannse?" Rena wonders, "She seemed pretty reluctant to help." "No," says Liz, kneeling down and noticing blood stains, "This was DeviousPeep." The Bureaucrats look deeply angered, and Liz finds herself grabbing Josh's sword. Josh, meanwhile, is tied up on the Banned Men's ship along with Joe and Dlr, alone in the hold of the flying vessel with Joe's bow and quiver tossed in the corner of the room along with the genie's lamp. "What's going to happen to us?" Joe wonders, but Josh admits that he doesn't know. Joe then asks if Josh was aware that sky pirates existed, at which he replies, "I heard rumors… didn't ever think they were real." "Great," says Joe, turning to Dlr, "You spent centuries in Wikia… were you aware of them?" "No," she admits, "But you have to remember, I spent most of that time cooped up in a bottle. And before that? Well…" In flashback, Rachel can be seen learning spells with the rest of the coven – James 1234 is teaching, and they have to close their eyes and combine their magic if they are to be successful. Balling fire in one's palm is on today's agenda, and several witches manage it, including Rachel… however, staring into the fire forces her to have a premonition… Burning. Burning beside the full moon. Burning. Burning. Witches burning. The stake. The villagers. Cheering. Screaming. Friends burning. Silvia burning. When Rachel snaps out of it, she is on the floor and screaming, only coming to her senses when she opens her eyes and sees Silvia, who quickly rushes to her girlfriend's aid. "Are you okay?" Silvia wonders, to which Rachel – breathing heavily – replies, "No… we're all gonna die." "Are we gonna die?" Dlrgirl asks in the present, tied to her chair beside Josh and Joe, who don't know. "It's funny," she says, "Me having lived so long and being so afraid of death… I suppose that being immortal has made it so that I'm even more scared than those to whom death comes naturally." "Oh, I don't know about that," says Joe, "I'm pretty scared myself." "You should be," says Josh, "One knife to your throat could send Jdg98 rampant on all our asses." "Well, thank you for that thought," says Joe, even more frightened than before. "My pleasure," Josh replies, not really caring. "Ugh, you're such a jerk," Joe points out. "Better a jerk than a petulant child," Josh says. "Can you stop?" Joe asks. "Can you both stop?" Dlr exclaims, "We're in a bad enough situation without the two of you bickering! This isn't the time to fight. We have to work together if we're going to escape." "If we can escape…" utters Joe. "Of course we can!" Dlr assures him, "I didn't come this far by giving up in the face of danger! Let me tell you a story…" "Do you have to?" Josh asks. "Yes," she replies bluntly, going on to say, "Do you know where the term 'faggot' comes from in relation to homosexual individuals? Faggots were like bundles of sticks tied together to fuel a fire. Like kindling. Back when they burned witches, they would burn the homosexuals as well, but… they didn't find them deserving of the stake so… they just tossed them onto the bottom of the fire with the rest of the kindling. They became fuel. They became faggots. I've seen it firsthand… my true love died because of it…" tears are leaking from her eyes. Josh asks if this is relevant, and Dlr assures him that it is, continuing, "To this day, I can't go near fire. But I was in the exact same situation as her, and I escaped, and here I am now. And I survived for nearly four-hundred freakin' years. So, when I say we're gonna escape, you better damn well believe it's true!" "Was that you coming out to us?" Josh wonders. "Um, in a way?" says Dlr. "So, you were real good friends with the maid, huh?" "Oh, shut up," she tells him. "So how are we going to escape?" Joe asks to break the tension, and Dlrgirl eyes the sharp arrows poking out of Joe's quiver in the corner. Rachel is sitting down and James 1234 is heard asking her if she knows where the vision took place. "Let me think, Jack," she says, "Um…" she thinks back, "There was a full moon, in the background." "But… that's tomorrow," Jack points out. "Oh dear…" Rachel utters. Jack then turns to the witches and tells them that they need to prepare their best spells… "Mortals are coming." "They're coming!" Joe realizes as Dlr, who's shuffled her chair across the room, finishes using one of Joe's arrows to cut through the rope which binds her. She unties her feet and stands up, free, hastily running over to untie Joe and Josh as well. However, before she has a chance, Captain Nosh and a few Banned Men barge into the hold, having heard noises. "Well, aren' you a crafty one?" Nosh asks, grabbing Dlrgirl for himself, "And so… so… pretty…" He sniffs her hair as well, and she begins to cry. "I was gonna wait to 'ave you, but… maybe tha' were a mistake. I'm gonna 'ave you, righ' in fron' of your little boy toys 'ere… and the 'ole crew too… and then they'll all 'ave a go… 'ow does tha' sound?" Dlr just looks afraid. In Storywik, Liz, Rena and Justine are tracking a trail all the way to the town line, where they see the charred Modem lying on the floor, smoking. They are shocked, and Liz goes to pick it up, wondering what happened. "Maybe it's been used," Justine suspects. Rena then approaches the mystical barrier and touches it, making the air ripple. "Well, at least we know she hasn't escaped," Rena points out. "No, but she's destroyed our only way of getting Joe and Josh home," Liz points out, annoyed. "God, she's a bitch," Rena exclaims. "Are you guys talking about DeviousPeep?" DavidTennantismyAngel asks as she emerges from the woods. "Um, yeah… who are you?" wonders Rena. "You can call me David. I'm kind of like Peep's protégée. Isn't she great? I just woke up in the woods, actually… she knocked me out there, but, I'm sure I did something to deserve it, you know? I'm very lucky to be graced by her presence…" "Right…" utters Liz. "Do you know where we could find DeviousPeep?" asks Justine. "Well, if she's not at her apartment, she's probably at her girlfriend's house," David tells them. "Her… girlfriend?" asks Rena. "Yeah," David says, "I think she mentioned her name was… Silvia?" The three look shocked. We cut to Liz, backed up by the Bureaus, knocking on Silvia's house door, and Silvia answers. "Can I help you guys?" she wonders. "Who is it, honey?" Joanna asks, descending the stairs in her robe, still looking weak. "You…" Liz hisses, raising her sword and barging into the house. "Excuse me…" Silvia utters, and Liz swings her weapon towards the Blood Wiccan, who rolls out of the way, coughing intensely on the floor. "Hey!" Silvia yells, grabbing Liz by the ear and dragging her back to the door, "What the hell are you doing?!" "She stole our…" Justine tries. "I don't care!" Silvia yells, "You do not harm her! You don't even touch her! Heck, you don't even go near her! You are no longer welcome in my library… now get the hell off my porch!" she slams the door in all their faces and turns back to Joanna, helping her to her feet and asking if she's okay. "Yeah," says Joanna, "Thanks to you." They smile and share a kiss, with Silvia adding that all is gonna be okay… "I wanna preserve you for as long as possible…" Back on the ship, Joe and Josh are still tied to chairs but now they've been moved to the ship's deck, while Dlr is being held close to Nosh up by the wheel. The rest of the Banned Men are cheering their captain on as he removes Dlr's golden headdress and throws it onto the floor. Her crying continues. Her sleeves are removed and she shivers; the rest of her clothes beginning to tear away. She thinks back to a time when she was this scared… Rachel, in her witches' clothes, walks straight into the mortal village, looking very nervous indeed. She gets many stares, as well of a few cries of "witch!", but this doesn't stop her from directly approaching the village leader. "I want… a truce," she says, trembling slightly. "Excuse me?" he asks, shocked. "You heard me!" she exclaims, and he laughs, ordering men to seize her. They do so, and she screams, "No! Please! At least spare my lover! I swear, she's pure!" "'She'…?" the village leader utters, before exclaiming, "Devil's spawn! Men… prepare the fire… it's the faggots for this one." Rachel cries and a nearby village member exclaims, "I think I can track her footprints back to the coven's camp!" "Excellent," says the village leader, getting right up in Rachel's face, "Looks like we'll finally rid ourselves of your infestation once and for all." Dlrgirl is seized in the present day also by Captain Nosh, who begins to lift her skirting, as well as unbuckle his belt. "Well, this ain' no fun," he declares, "There be summit… missing. Banned Men! Make our audience bleed a little firs'…" Suddenly, Banned Men draw their swords and begin making shallow cuts all around Joe and Josh. Their clothes tear and their blood drips to the floor and Dlrgirl sees and her crying intensifies and she can hardly take it. "Ooh, I love it when they cry," Captain Nosh whispers in her ear, before exclaiming, "Don't be afraid to cut deeper, men!" Joe screams in pain as a sword takes off a large chunk of flesh from his arm, and Josh similarly cries out when his ear is sliced clean from his head. Joe sees this but has no time to be shocked because another cut greets him and he's watching Dlr and Captain Nosh is bending her over and she's crying and he's laughing and the rest of the men are laughing and a knife is plunged into his foot and he just can't take it anymore and before the knife is held to his throat he manages to find the strength to exclaim, "I wish for this to stop!" Suddenly, Joe, Josh and Dlrgirl are all lying on the ground at the foot of the beanstalk. Dlrgirl is fully dressed, and her lamp is nearby, beside Joe's bow and quiver full of arrows. He checks himself for cuts, but all of his wounds no longer exist, as well as the tears on his clothes. Josh feels for his ears and is relieved to find that both are still there, intact. They are all wondering what the hell just happened. Suddenly, the sound of clapping is heard, and the trio looks up to see James 1234 and Primadonna Girl (her baby bump now looks like she's about five months gone) standing before them. "Wasn't that fun?" Prima asks, but Joe, Josh and Dlr just look confused. In flashback, men are taking witches and warlocks straight from the forest and can be seen lining them up for the stake, which a good five are tied to at the moment and burning. Rachel watches as her friends burn and she cries, still being held by the village men. Then she notices Silvia in the queue and she screams, begging for them not to do this, for they can still reach a truce. "Is that your lover?" the village leader asks, and Rachel just cries; as does Silvia. "Men!" the village leader orders, pointing to Silvia, "Make her kindling!" "No! No!" Rachel exclaims, still being seized, as men carry Silvia over to the fire – she is thrown onto the bottom, and she starts to burn. Rachel screams uncontrollably, and the village leader then orders, "This one too." Rachel is carried towards the fire, crying and crying and crying and Silvia is already dead and burnt and she tries pushing back and she can't and the end is near and… Suddenly, a burst of red lightning emanates from the queue of witches as all of them combine their magic, causing the mortals to step back in pain. Rachel is dropped and she crawls towards the fire, seeing Silvia's corpse and being unable to leave it, but then one of the witches pulls her into the group they've formed in the village center. The fire is put out by their magic, and the village leader orders the inhabitants to form a circle around the coven; they do so. They are on the defensive, but their magic is weak now, and the village leader takes out an ancient-looking book, explaining that they happened upon this sacred text which told of an object capable of ridding the world of witches once and for all, and where it was hidden. "Bring forth the Modem!" he exclaims, and the tracker from earlier steps forward with the familiar item in tow. Jack/James 1234 recognizes it, and tells the men that they have to willingly sacrifice a life to power that thing. "And we will," the leader exclaims, "For the good of all! If we can't burn you, vermin… then we'll settle for banishing you all to the depths of hell!" The tracker charges the Modem with his own life and a portal opens right beneath the witches and warlocks' feet. Rachel, and Jack, and all of the others fall through, twirling and swirling through dimensions until eventually they find themselves scrambled onto a patch of land which will later be known as the Once Upon a Time Wiki. They're all scared and crying, having landed near the edge of a cliff. Rachel just sits there, confused and grieving for the love of her life, whose death she just witnessed. She barely even notices when the other members of the coven form a circle around her. "What are you doing?" she asks, looking up at them from the floor. "You betrayed us," Jack tells her. "I didn't, I swear!" she exclaims. "You led the mortals to our camp… you kick-started the chain of events which led us here, almost as sure as if you powered the Modem yourself!" "No!" she swears, "No, I can still be of use to you! My visions, you need my visions, you need my—" Suddenly, she falls backwards, and she feels a draining sensation. "No…" she utters, "No…" "Your magic is gone," Jack declares, reading her, "Drained. You are useless now. But still, you betrayed us, and you must pay the price for that betrayal." The witches and warlocks begin chanting in their circle around them, and she asks what's happening. "You betrayed us to ensure your own selfish desires… so now you will spend eternity serving the desires of others! And because you're responsible for your own presence in this land, you shall from now on only be introducing yourself with a name native to this land. Goodbye, Dlrgirl75!" Rachel screams as her clothes are turned from red to gold and she's enclosed within a small bottle. She screams from within it as well, but the coven pays her no heed – Jack then kicks her off of the cliff and into the sea, casting a spell as he does so. "Vermin does not deserve to look upon my face with any semblance of familiarity… and so she shall forget my face." This magic is worked over the bottle, and Jack walks away from the cliff edge, walking away from his coven into the depths of Wikia. Back on Earth, meanwhile, ashes from the fire rise up the form Silvia, who's completely alive and well… and smiling. The people around her are shocked and weapons are drawn, however, anyone who tries to come near her gets melted into blood: permanently. Her magic is surging at the minute, Rachel's pure grief having drained the last of it from her. "Don't feel sorry about burning me," she says to the frightened and cowering people, "I knew it was going to happen – I have these visions of the future, you see. Well, I didn't, but… now I do." "Filthy immortal…" the village leader utters. "Oh, my little ashes trick?" Silvia asks, "Jack – my one true love, you see – he had all these handy little tricks for living forever… and after one amazing night we shared together… I do too. Only trouble is, I've been unable to stop thinking about him… I need to be with him… so you can understand my anger over the fact that you cretins just sent him away!" "What do you want from us, devil's spawn?!" the village leader demands. "I want you to send me to them. Use the Modem. Drain your life," she demands. He looks stumped, and she just continues talking, explaining how she'll be able to lock onto their location because their magic now flows through her… she just needs a willing sacrifice. "And what would make any of us willing now?" the village leader asks. "This," says Silvia, and, suddenly, the wife and child of the village leader – out in the crowd – begin choking. He looks desperately scared, and Silvia asks if they have an agreement. With a heavy heart, the village leader lifts the Modem from the dead tracker's hand, and Silvia approaches it as he begins charging it with his life. "Isn't being a Leech just wonderful?" she asks, taking the Modem from his hands just a he collapses to the floor, dead, and then melts his wife and child into blood anyway before heading through the now-open portal, into Wikia. It closes behind her, leaving her on the same cliff-edge as the others. "Nice gismo," she says to herself, holding the Modem, "I'll just hide it in a cave or something, don't want anyone else wielding this kind of power…" She begins walking away, and says to herself, "I'm powerful…" and then she begins perfecting an American accent – the voice she uses in the present – "Oh, so powerful. And I'm going to find you, Jack…" she then has one of Rachel's visions of the future, and learns the name he's going to end up taking in this new land, "James 1234… I'm going to find you and I'm going to make you love me! After all… that's one of my many stolen tricks." James 1234 stands beside the largely pregnant Primadonna Girl in the present day, and she's still clapping and laughing away. "What the hell did you do?" Josh wonders. "Oh, I do hope you didn't think Captain Nosh and his little crew of Banned Men were real," she says, holding up her book, "Sorry… it's a handy little illusion I've been mastering, one designed to put you through the perfect trauma… and now all three wishes have been used up." At this, Josh lunges towards the lamp but Prima quickly blows some ink off the pages of the book and the black cloud carries the golden container directly into her hand. Having no master, Dlrgirl finds herself forming into yellow smoke and being sucked inside. And then Prima rubs it, and Dlrgirl re-emerges, and she reluctantly says, "Mistress mine… my will is thine." Category:Season 2 Category:Episodes Category:Dlrgirl75-Centric